You may think you have your non-verbals under control, but what if you don’t? At best, you’d be thought of as simply not engaged; at worst, tactless and rude. Neither of those is good for your future. These 10 “what not to do” actions are damaging to your personal brand and to your future and should be eliminated from your repertoire.

Back when I was leading my first team, during an interview with a prospective new hire, one of the women on my team whipped out her nail polish and started brushing it on. How career-limiting is that! I’m sure you wouldn’t do that during a work meeting, but here are some things you could be doing that can send the wrong message.

The following behaviors tell others: “I’m ready to bolt… I have more important things to do than listen to you.”

1. Glancing toward the door… more than once.

2. Looking at your watch or up at a clock… and more than once.

3. Taking one step sideways toward the door from a standing position.

4. From a seated position, moving one foot in front of the other. Your torso moves slightly in the direction of your foot thus giving the impression that you’re on your way out.

5. Looking from side to side while others are talking. You’re scanning to see who’s going to get up first so that you can quickly follow.

These next five actions tell others: “You’re boring me… what you say isn’t important enough to grab my attention.”

6. Putting the top on your pen or clicking to retract the point… possibly several times.

7. Communicating with the person beside you while someone else is talking — either with a note or by whispering something to them.

8. Looking at your BlackBerry or using your laptop (where others are not).

9. Rolling your eyes, sighing, or yawning.

10. Stretching your arms out to the side and placing them behind your head. This might be okay on its own, but if you also sigh, roll your eyes, or look at your watch or clock, the message is, “You’re boring me.”

If you’ve been exhibiting any of these non-verbals, now’s the time to replace them with behaviors covered in last week’s post.  

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You’re in a meeting with key leaders. Maybe you’re naturally engaged, or maybe you’re tuning out. Either way, you know you want to make an impression that conveys investment and confidence.

In last week’s post, Looking Confident Even When You’re Not, I talked about your non-verbals as a presenter – how to convey confidence as a leader when you’re on your feet.

But what about the many meetings where you’re a participant and seated? How can you set yourself up to be perceived as confident and engaged with the leaders in the room? Here are 5 tips for sending a clear message that you’re in it to win it.

Let’s assume you’re at a conference table…

1. With shoulders back, rest both arms on the table, shoulders straight, and lean slightly forward and in the direction of the speaker.

2. Have paper and pen handy to take notes when important things are said. Nod once or twice just before you begin to take the note, and once or twice while you’re jotting down that brief note. Look back up at the speaker when you’re done.

3. When comments are made, look at the person who’s talking. Nod.

4. With your elbow on the table and hand in a loose fist, rest your chin on your  hand and nod while the speaker is talking. The picture above demonstrates this well.

5. Comment when appropriate… and keep it to under 15 seconds. Make eye contact with a few of the leaders in the room while you’re talking. If you’re specifically commenting on what Person A has said, look at her/him first, then move your eyes to one or two other leaders. Finish up by reconnecting with Person A.

If you’re not interested in what’s being said AND you’re not expected to participate in the discussion, your mind can go wherever you want it to as long as you follow 1 through 4 above. But be careful of this, as there are other unconscious body language signals that can send the opposite message.

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Situation: You have a presenation, an interview, or a team meeting. You’re well prepared; you know your subject inside and out. But you’re feeling anxious. You tell yourself you’re going to be fine, and you’re sure you will be. But in the end, your audience isn’t convinced that you know your stuff. What’s happening here? Body language, that’s what!

The next time you feel unsure of yourself even though you’re well prepared, here are 5 things you can do that will not only show confidence, they’ll help you feel confident.

A few years ago I was coaching a company vice president who was readying himself for a meeting with the CEO, who happened to be his father. We videotaped the prep session from the time he opened the door to enter the room until he sat in the chair to begin the practice conversation. At that moment I cut the taping so that he could watch what he’d just done. He had entered with his shoulders slouched, head down and tilted to the side, eyes on the ground. The message? Submission. He had no idea he had been holding himself that way until he saw the video.

We’re always communicating on two levels, the physical and the verbal. And while what we say is important, the language of the body has far greater impact. And what’s more, we’re generally unaware of the messages we’re sending.

The next time you feel unsure of yourself even though you’re well prepared, here are 5 things you can do to get your body and mind in sync. These moves not only show confidence, they help you feel confident.

1. Walk into the room with your head up and shoulders back. No shrugging or head tilting. Women often tilt their heads to the side and down slightly. That signals submission, uncertainty, hesitancy.

2. If you are walking with a notebook or papers in your hand, have them in one hand by your side. Swing your arms slightly as you walk. That conveys assuredness. Whatever you do, don’t clutch whatever is in your hand to your chest. That sends the message that you’re fearful and protective.

3. Look around the room as you walk in, making eye contact with many. Smile slightly and nod to people, even those you don’t know. That immediately connects you to the crowd and draws them in. Do not stare off into space, look up, down, or toward the wall. You must create relationship from the get-go.

4. When you greet someone and you’re about to shake hands, first step in with your left foot, then cross your right foot over your left very slightly as you lean in to extend your hand into the shake. It’s a confident move and equalizes the power right away.

5. When you stand to speak, hold your shoulders open with arms at your sides. Your arms should be bent from 30 to 90 degrees at the elbow. That signals openness. Whatever you do, don’t fold your arms across your chest. That’s another protective move and signals closure to new ideas. And if you hold your hands behind your back, the message is one of mistrust.

Practice before you put these into play. Videotape yourself and/or have a friend watch and give you feedback. You’ll be feeling much more confident in no time.

These tips have come, in part, from an excellent book, The Definitive Book of Body Language, by Allen and Barbara Pease, both of whom are long-time researchers and experts in the field.

To find out more about body language, sign up for our weekly newsletter at Hairpin Turns.  We’re talking about this topic again next week. 

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Got a project, either personal or for work, where you can’t seem to get going? And thinking about what to do next has become a burden? 

Whether it’s where to get started on a massive project, how to get yourself noticed by those who make decisions about your future, or ways to take better care of yourself, here’s a quick way to make some headway today:

1. Get out a pack of 3×3 stickies, 3×5 cards, or letter-sized paper you can cut into 10 pieces. If making a list better suits your process, open up an Excel file as a starting point.

2. List 10 actions you could take that would get you going. They might be small or big, difficult or easy, risk-free or over-the-top. For example, if it’s ways to take better care of yourself, jot down to 10 things that will make you feel good.  If it’s how to get noticed, write out 10 actions you could take to have that happen. And for that large project, list the top 10 actions that will ensure success. Don’t censor yourself. Some actions you list will likely have sub-actions, but leave those out for now.

3. Separate the items into 2 piles, hard and easy.

4. Get at least one easy one scheduled or done within 7 days. For those in the “hard” pile, arrange according to difficulty. Take the easiest of those and break it down into sub-actions. Get started on one sub-action within 7 days.

This will give you a sense of movement and accomplishment. And that gets you from feeling paralyzed to feeling free.

Filed under: Managing Yourself | 1 Comment »

Got a To-Do List that’s longer than your garden hose? Or is one of the items on your list actually a 20-hour project, such as “finish the strategic analysis report this week”? If so, your list needs a Hollywood-style makeover to pare it to the vital three that you can get done today. Here’s one thing you can do to get that runaway life of yours back on track. It’s simple, it’s easy, and if you stick to it, you’ll see the results.

At the close each work day, list the three “must-do” priority items for the next day. For each item, estimate the amount of time it will take you. Pad each one with extra minutes in case you run into problems, have to answer some emails or calls, or someone unexpectedly grabs you for something. And set aside a specific amount of time when you’ll be taking care of that host of five-minute items. I call this my Mini-Task Hour. Decide what time you’ll start in the morning, what time you’ll leave for home, and set aside the times during the day that you’ll work on each item. You’ll be surprised how this can give you much-needed breathing room.

Example List:

• Get to work at 8:30.
• Coffee, chat, relax (8:30-9:00).
• Write Abbot Report executive overview (9:00-11:00).
• Mini-Task Hour (11:00-12:00).
• Get presentation ready for Thursday’s Landing Project team meeting and eat lunch (Noon - 3:30).
• Meet with Stan and Amy about the next phase of Calibri (3:30-5:30).
• Close down, make up list for Wednesday (5:30-6:00).

Notice there are only three main items on this list: Abbot, Landing, Calibri.

You’ll probably be checking email throughout the day, getting calls, entertaining a few people who drop by your office or your cube, so DO be sure you add in that padding for each item. It’ll give you that extra time you need to take those side items. You’ll then leave work feeling like you’ve accomplished something.

And by the way, for most of my life I was a confirmed procrastinator and loved having flexibility in my day to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted. The problem? It took me a longer time… to accomplish fewer things. Four years ago I put “Me and the Vital 3″ into practice and I’ve never looked back. — Denise

Want more recommendations about how to have a successful work life/career? See us at Hairpin Turns.

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